"Dear Host Family"-letter... Verbesserungsvorschläge und Fehlerandeutung gewünscht! :D

Ja hallo.. ;D Ich hab am Mittwoch ein Bewerbungsgespräch für eine ATJ und da soll ich dann unter anderem einen "Dear Host Family"-letter mitnehmen Thumb up Also~


Dear host family,
I would like to firstly thank you for taking time to read my letter. I‘ll now share some information about me.
My name is *hust*, I am born on the 25th of december 1996 and I am now in the 9th grade. I‘m really interested in American culture and the way americans live. That‘s why I really would like to live in a american family and experience things like american school and generally the american way of life in the form of a exchange year. I hope and believe that we will get along really well, as I am generally a friendly, open-minded and optimistic girl. I would love to become a part of your family, like a guest daughter and sister, aswell as I have you as my 2nd family.
I live in a town called *hust* in Bavaria. *hust* has a population of 24.000 people and a total of 8 schools. I live in a 4-room-appartment with my Mom, my Dad, my Grandpa and my dog Chicka. The nearest bigger city is Bad Tölz. There are really nice, german houses built there with paintings on them and what not . The next really big city would be *hust* with a distance of about 40km from *hust*. There are many places to go shopping so it‘s a nice place to spend time at, as well as if you are alone, with parents or with friends.
My Dad is a ship engineer, so he‘s not home that often. He‘s usually away for a couple of months (~3-5 months) on the ship and home for ~1-3 months. Mom is currently looking after my grandpa and managing the household. (Of course I help, too.) My brother, *hust*, has alredy moved out since a long, long while and has a job in a bank, his own family, a huge apartment in Latvia near the capital city Riga etc etc. He has a son, *hust*, who‘s 8 years old, a daughter, *hust*, who‘s 2 years old and a wife, *hust, who‘s working as a *vergessen, frag ich heute meiner Mom noch ^^"*.
I like to draw and I realy enjoy to read books, as it‘s quite relaxing. I also like to listen to music (but I guess that‘s quite normal) and hang out with friends, like go to the cinema with them. Of course, I love to spend time with my dog, too. It‘s a female, black, field spaniel with a couple of white spots. As I really like animals I wouldn‘t mind if you‘ve had cats or dogs or hamsters or whatever animal! I actually would be quite glad about it.
I‘m going to a realschule, where you get the 2nd highest education out of 4. My grades are quite average, my favorite subjects are english, history and art (both theory and practical). I think history is a really nice subject, because the people in the past have done so many interesting things and it‘s mostly fun and sometimes entertaining to learn about it. About english- I‘ve always been interested in languages and english is, to me, a interesting and good-sounding language that is fun to speak and to learn. In total I can speak 3,5 languages; latvian, german, english and a bit russian. The reason why I like art is, that I enjoy drawing very much and want to have a creative job in the future, even through I‘m not quite sure yet what I want to be exactly.
We are 29 students in our class and I get along with them really well. Unlike in America, we can‘t really choose our subjects. After the 6th grade you can chose if you want to have classes based on art, economy, french or math. Althought you won‘t get away without having, for example, math in art based classes, but you will have more art-based classes during the week than other classes, for example handicrafts.
A typical school day in my life would be getting up at 6:00am and get ready for school (dressing, showering and so on), at ~7:30am I ride to school with my bicycle, which usually takes about 10-15 minutes. Then I chat with my classmates and wait until classes begin. At 1:05pm school ends and I ride home, eat lunch, do my homework, if necessary- learn and then spend time with my friends or, on for example more lazy or rainy days, read, draw, listen to music or surf trough the internet. I like to walk my dog and, even trough this might sound weird, I like to take my dog for a walk in rain, althought I‘m home again really fast as my dog doesn‘t enjoy rain half as much as I do and will pull me home.
I‘ve been born in Latvia, so most of my relatives live there too, we visit them as often as we can in holidays. My parents own a house in *hust*, the *hust*rd biggest city in Latvia and I‘m always glad when we go there, as I meet all my relatives like my brother, his family, my cousins and so on.
I hope this letter gave a good and positive opinion about me, and thanks for reading through it. I look forward to meet and live with you for 10 months!
Greetings from Germany,
*hust*.

Ach, dieser husten heute! ;) Wenigstens ist es nützlich um Sachen zu verstecken. Also, her mit den Verbesserungsvorschlägen!Grins

beitragabfolgen.gif Auf diesen Beitrag gibt es 3 direkte Antworten:

Korrektur

Hallo !

Ich hab mal nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen korrigiert und ein paar Dinge umgeschrieben. Du wiederholst dich z.T., das würde ich an deiner Stelle etwas kürzen.

Dear host family,
first of all I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
My name is *hust* and I was born on the 25th of December 1996. Currently I attend the 9th grade at school.
I‘m fascinated by the American culture and the American way of life. This is why I would love to live with an American family for a while ! I`m pretty sure that we`ll get along pretty well as I`m a friendly, open-minded and optimistic girl.
I live in a town called *hust* in Bavaria, with my mum, my dad, my grandpa and my dog Chicka.
My dad is a ship engineer, so he‘s not at home that often. My mum cares of my grandpa and manages the household (of course, I help her with the household). My brother *hust* has moved out already and works at a bank. He lives together with his family in an apartment in Latvia, near the capital city Riga. His son (...) is eight years old, his daughter *hust* is two years old.

I attend a school where I can achieve the 2nd highest grade of education out of four. My grades are pretty average, my favorite subjects are English, history and arts. I think that history is a really nice subject because the people in the past did so many interesting things, and it‘s fun and sometimes entertaining to learn about it.
I‘ve always been interested in languages and to me English is an interesting language that is fun to speak. In total I can speak four languages - Latvian, German, English and a bit Russian. The reason why I like art is that I enjoy drawing a lot and would love to have a creative job in the future, even through I‘m not quite sure yet what I want to do exactly.
We are 29 students in my class and I get along with everyone pretty well. Unlike in America, we cannot really choose our subjects. After the 6th grade you can choose if you want to have classes based on arts, economy, French or maths. Althought you won‘t get away without having, for example, maths in an art based class, but you will have more art-based classes during the week than other classes, for example handcrafts.
A typical day at school I get up at 6:00am and get ready for school. At about 7:30am I ride to school with my bicycle. At about 1:15pm I usually come home, have lunch and do my homework. In my spare time I enjoy drawing, reading book, listening to music, going to the movies and spending time with my friends. I also love walking my dog, especially in the rain ... Although I‘m home again really fast as my dog doesn‘t enjoy rain as much as I do ...
I was born in Latvia, so most of my relatives live there. We visit them as often as we can during the holidays. My parents own a house in *hust*, the *hust*rd biggest city in Latvia, and I‘m always glad when we go there as I can meet all my relatives.

So I hope you enjoyed reading my letter. I`m looking forward to hearing from you soon !

Greetings from Germany,
*hust*


Cheers
Marie-Claire

vom 9.10.2011 04:05

Hey,

ich habe mal so durch Deinen Brief gelesen. Ich würde mein Englisch durchaus als sehr gut bezeichnen, da ich in der Schule nur 1en und 2en hatte und nun schon einige Monate in den USA lebe :D
Du solltest ein paar Dinge abändern, da sie grammatikalisch nicht korrekt sind oder im Englischen einfach unverständich.

Mir ist folgendes aufgefallen:
- du benutzt SEHR oft "as" und "as well as", auch an ungeeigneten Stellen
- du benutzt SEHR oft "quiet"
- falsche Schreibweise des Datums; verwende keine "Sprechschrift. Korrekt: "I was born on December 25th, 1996."
- "American" wird grundsätzlich groß geschrieben
- Deine Umgebungsbeschreibung bzgl deiner Stadt ist unverständlich und überflüssig
- Oftmals verkehrte Kommasetzung (ist ein wenig anders als im Deutschen)
- Nominalisierte Verben klingen grundsätzlich besser! z.B.: I like to draw. - I like drawing.
- KM direkt in Meilen konvertieren kommt besser! (z.B. 40km = 25miles)

und einiges mehr.

Wenn Du magst, helfe ich Dir gerne beim Verfassen Deines Briefes.
Hatte erst schon mit einer Überarbeitung angefangen, aber ich dachte: Es ist ja Dein Brief, vielleicht möchtest Du das anders :D

Noch ein paar Verbesserungen

Hallo du,

vielleicht wurden die Fehler dir schon gesagt, mir sind
grad beim durchlesen gleich die Zwei ins Auge gesprungen
und da hab ich gedacht sag ichs sicherheitshalber nochmal. Zwinker

Richtig heißt es: "I like to draw and I really enjoy READING books,
because/mainly because..."
Das "as" solltes du lieber ersetzen, hört sich nicht gut an.

Und es heißt: "I look forward TO MEETING you and LIVING with you"
im Schlusssatz.

Hoffe ich konnte helfen, aber mit einer amerikanischen Mamma muss man
bei sowas einfach seine Vorteile nutzen Smily

Viel Glück.

Diskussionsübersicht
26.9.2011
"Dear Host Family"-letter... Verbesserungsvorschläge und Fehlerandeutung gewünscht! :D
26.9.2011
27.9.2011
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9.10.2011
A. M. USA TravelWorks 2011/12
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