BITTE! Wer kann mir Helfen meinen "Dear host family letter" zu korrigieren bzw. zu verbessern?

Wär super wen sich jemand die Zeit nimmt und meinen Dear Host Family letter durchzulesen, eventuelle Fehler ausbessert und vielleicht Verbessungsvorschläge bringt. Bitte um ehrliche Meinung. Danke im Voraus

Hier mein Brieftext:

Dear host family,
My name's XXXX and I was born in XXX on 11th February 1990. I live in XXX, which lies in the western part of Austria. I have lived here since I was born.
Austria is a great country in the middle of the Alps. In Austria there is a very hot sunshiny summer (max. temperature 2008: 38°C) and a very cold snowy winter (min. temperature 2008: -20°C). Austria has about 8 million inhabitants, 40 times less than the USA. Our national sports are winter sports. Austria dominates the winter sports like alpine ski, ski jumping, sledding ... Austria has 9 provinces and we live in Tyrol.
My dad XXX (born in 1947) and my mom XXX (born in 1955) have 3 children: XXX (29), XXX (27) and me.
Simon still lives in XXX, but has his own flat with his girlfriend XXX and his 9 months old daughter XXX. XXX is a very cute baby and sometimes I get the chance to take care about her, so I have few experiences to deal with children under age of 2 years. Simon is a bank employer in Innsbruck, the capital city of our province.
XXX lives in XXX. He's a pharmacy student on the university.
We have had many, many pets over the years and also combinations: e.g. 4 Hamsters (Alfred, Brownie, Lucky, Stew) together with hundreds of fish (they haven't any names) in an aquarium, a guinea pig family, and 2 rabbits.
We live in an ordinary multi-family house, Mr. Hartl and Mrs. Hartl in the first floor, my mom, dad and I in the middle and Mr. Laercherin the upper level. I also have to help my mom with the household by drying the dishes and taking the clothes off the line.
Over here my school (commercial academy) usually starts at 7.45am and ends at 1.30pm. One lesson has fifty minutes and there are small five-minute-breaks in between. Then we also have one big break of 15 minutes. We are 33 pupils in class, but we have an excellent class atmosphere. My favorite subjects are Math, English, Italian, Economics and Sports and I can’t stand Accountancy.

I have many friends, but 11 of those who I have are very close and precious to me and ‘real’ ones. XXX and XXX are my best friends. XXX and I visit the same school and sit abreast. We like to play sports; I think we already tried every kind of sport. We play with the Play-Station or watch TV. I'm quite good at school and so sometimes I help XXX learning for an exam. XXX in the final year of the commercial school and I’m in final year of the commercial academy, the different is: commercial school takes 3 year and the commercial academy takes 5 years and you get the A-Level. But we both have the same age. We often go skiing, and watch movies.
In my free-time I often play soccer. I'm in a soccer teams SV XXX. My friends and I also founded our own soccer team FC Marktplatz with the priority to have fun. I'm the chairman and coach and we could win 2 tournaments to date under my captaincy. It’s not long ago that I started to jog to be fit.
A lot of fun is to watch soccer and concerts live (but absolutely expensive). Nevertheless: I've seen lot's of great soccer matches like one of the World Championship in Germany 2006: Brazil – Australia and one of the UEFA European (Football) Championship in Austria 2008: Spain – Russia. I’ve also seen many popular bands like: Metallica, Motorhead, The Pussy Cat Dolls, Foo Fighters, Oasis, Sir Elton John …
I've started to ski in the age of 3 years and since 2006 I'm did the schooling to be a skiing instructor. It's lot of fun to work with kids. Sometimes it's very exhausting to take care of 12 kids, but until now no kid harm oneself.
I'm also a part of the catholic youth organization in XXX. The CYO has ca. 100 members from the age of 8 to the age of 16. I don't know the job title, but I try to explain it. I have my one group of kids. They are in the age of 8 to 13 years. We meet us every week for 1 or 2 hours and play games or do discussions and I try to help them with problem and to approximate the religion. I do that voluntarily, because I think it's important to have a belief and to be part of a community. And I was also a kid in the CYO and it was so fun. And I like to afford this fun them.
I also organize in a group of ca. 10 people a youth camp every year. We travel every year to different places. In the camp there is a special program and it contains: games, tournaments, scatches, quiz, Play-Back-Show, hiking, swimming and so on. I could attach some photos.

I also was vice student body president for one year and it was very interesting to bargain with teachers and the headmaster. It was also very interesting to represent the pupil opinion in the school. Politics are very interesting for me. In September 2008 our class was one of lot of others in Austria which won a TV-appearance in the ORF. There we could ask questions to one top candidate of the green party. It was very interesting.

I don’t really have a favorite book, but I love fantasy novels like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. And I do have lots of favorite movies: Forrest Gump, Brave heart, Catch me if you Can, Operation Walkyrie, and I love every kind of American comedy. My favorite actor is Adam Sandler and Jim Carry because they are so funny. I like American Cartoons too, because they could be very funny.
To listen to music is fun, especially if it’s by bands like Foo Fighters, Xavier Naidoo, Falco, Incubus, The Beatles, The Who, Rainhard Fendrich… In short: I love nearly every kind of music (except: techno and electronic music), but I prefer slow songs. Many from these artists are not from Austria or Germany which shows my interest in foreign countries that I’ve always had. ‘Travel has a way of stretching the mind’ and in my opinion as well of ‘connecting people’. Especially the USA fascinates me. Because my family has always had something to do with it: my parents got to know each over there. But I’ve never had the opportunity to get known about the land behind the Atlantic.

I'm also a smoker, but I could assure you that I will never smoke in the house or in front of the children. I smoke ca. 5-8 cigarettes a day, but mostly in the evening (occasional/social smoker). I started smoking 2007 in the age of 17, because a lot of my friends smoked before and it was like peer pressure. I hope that fact isn't a big problem for you, because as mentioned I will never smoke when I'm with the children or in the house.
I've decided to spend a year abroad after my A-Level, when I first heard about it from my cousins Andrea, who had spent a year in the US. The topic made me curious and she told me about it. I was fascinated at once. It was clear it could only be the US.

This shows my spontaneous and character. And I’m responsible and friendly. I also have lots of experiences with childcare. An Au Pair year would be awesome because I like to get better in speaking and writing English and I like to work with kids, but I wouldn't be the minder of your children, I want to be a friend of them and a part of your family.
Finally I want to mention that you shouldn't think, because I'm a boy I can't help in the household or I couldn’t deal with children like a girl, but I can assure you that wouldn't be the case.

That’s me, and thank you in advance for letting me being a part of your life.

beitragabfolgen.gif Auf diesen Beitrag gibt es 3 direkte Antworten:

Brief

Hey, also ich find deinen Brief auch sehr gut und vor allem sehr ausführlich, da wird sich die Hostfamily freuen ;)
aber am Anfang musst du aufpassen: Du beginnst fast jeden zweiten Satz mit "Austria..." Das ist jetzt ein Tipp für den Stil. Bei der Grammatik kann ich auch nichts hunderprozentiges sagen aber so ein paar Sachen sind mir aufgefallen, die vielleicht verbessert werden müssen.

"He's a pharmacy student on the university." Ich bin mir eigentlich relativ sicher das es "at" heißen muss.

Ich würde auch eher abraten "many,many" zu schreiben und es durch "a lot of" oder "a great many" ersetzen.

Mit den ganzen Kommas wäre ich auch vorsichtig, denn im Englischen werden fast nie welche gemacht aber wann genau sie gemacht werden müssen kann ich leider auch nicht sagen^^.

Und ich muss meinem Vorredner Recht geben. Das mit den 11 Freunden ist etwas komisch und dann schreibst du, dass xxx and xxx deine besten sind. Wie wärs, wenn du schreiben würdest "I have a lot of good friends but only two are my best friends: xxx and xxx." Solche Dinge solltest du am besten klar und leicht verständlich schreiben und überflüssige Details einfach weglassen.

"I'm in a soccer teams SV XXX."
Da muss das "s" bei team weg.

"I've started to ski in the age of 3 years and since 2006 I'm did the schooling to be a skiing instructor."
"Since 2006 I have learned/started/done..." (Since ist ein Signalwort für Present Perfect)

"I have my one group of kids"
"one" muss durch "own" ersetzt werden.

Leider muss ich jetzt los. Ich hoffe, ich konnte dir einigermaßen helfen.
Sonst frag doch mal deinen Englischleherer?! Habe ich auch gemacht und sie hat mir auch sehr geholfen und mir Tipps gegeben ;)

Bis bald!

Brief

Hey, also ich find deinen Brief auch sehr gut und vor allem sehr ausführlich, da wird sich die Hostfamily freuen ;)
aber am Anfang musst du aufpassen: Du beginnst fast jeden zweiten Satz mit "Austria..." Das ist jetzt ein Tipp für den Stil. Bei der Grammatik kann ich auch nichts hunderprozentiges sagen aber so ein paar Sachen sind mir aufgefallen, die vielleicht verbessert werden müssen.

"He's a pharmacy student on the university." Ich bin mir eigentlich relativ sicher das es "at" heißen muss.

Ich würde auch eher abraten "many,many" zu schreiben und es durch "a lot of" oder "a great many" ersetzen.

Mit den ganzen Kommas wäre ich auch vorsichtig, denn im Englischen werden fast nie welche gemacht aber wann genau sie gemacht werden müssen kann ich leider auch nicht sagen^^.

Und ich muss meinem Vorredner Recht geben. Das mit den 11 Freunden ist etwas komisch und dann schreibst du, dass xxx and xxx deine besten sind. Wie wärs, wenn du schreiben würdest "I have a lot of good friends but only two are my best friends: xxx and xxx." Solche Dinge solltest du am besten klar und leicht verständlich schreiben und überflüssige Details einfach weglassen.

"I'm in a soccer teams SV XXX."
Da muss das "s" bei team weg.

"I've started to ski in the age of 3 years and since 2006 I'm did the schooling to be a skiing instructor."
"Since 2006 I have learned/started/done..." (Since ist ein Signalwort für Present Perfect)

"I have my one group of kids"
"one" muss durch "own" ersetzt werden.

Leider muss ich jetzt los. Ich hoffe, ich konnte dir einigermaßen helfen.
Sonst frag doch mal deinen Englischleherer?! Habe ich auch gemacht und sie hat mir auch sehr geholfen und mir Tipps gegeben ;)

Bis bald!

temperatur?

also meine vorredner ham des ja schon ziemlich gut zusammengefasst, ich find den brief eigentlich auch ganz gut, nur würd ich vllt ein paar details weglasse, zum Beispiel diese info, was 2008 die maximale und minimale temperatur war...
ansonsten is der brief ziemlich gut

Diskussionsübersicht
1.3.2009
BITTE! Wer kann mir Helfen meinen "Dear host family letter" zu korrigieren bzw. zu verbessern?
2.3.2009
Frederike K. Kanada team 2009/10
2.3.2009
Frederike K. Kanada team 2009/10
2.3.2009
Frederike K. Kanada team 2009/10
2.3.2009
Sarah H. USA TravelWorks 2009/10
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